As a child in the 1950's I had my tonsils out and stayed overnight in the hospital. My total bill of $75 was handwritten on one sheet. Doctor visits, at his office or my bedroom, were $2. He had no staff other than his wife, and my medical records were on a single file card. After unsuccessfully explaining to a patient how various governmental interventions, and constant threat of litigation, are impacting the cost of healthcare, I created the following example. I hope you find it as useful and entertaining as that patient did.

You may reprint with acknowledgment Harold Kornylak, DO

As your beneficent President, who always knows what is best for you regardless of your opinions on the matter, I have a present for you. Last week I was sitting with one of my unemployed buddies. He pointed to recent studies showing the remarkable health benefits of broccoli, and that people should eat more. I immediately appointed him “Broccoli Czar” to address this problem. He determined that the high cost of broccoli on the free market is inhibiting its consumption. Research demonstrated that fresh broccoli could cost 60 cents a pound in some markets, but if one was not willing to eat stems, and bought only the tops already cut and sealed in a bag it could be $2.50 for 8 ounces. Also in some areas of the country, at some times of year, the price could be higher. This makes it very difficult for the individual to properly budget for their daily intake of broccoli. Some anti-Americans on Fox news circulated a nasty rumor that people’s personal taste preferences determine how much, and what kind of broccoli they eat. We know this to be untrue, so the Broccoli Czar has created the Broccoli Administration. You will be issued a “Broccocare Card” and hence forth you will only have to pay 20% of the cost of broccoli.

Now when you go to your local grocery store, you will present your Broccocare card at the front desk in order to be admitted. In the produce isle, as well as frozen foods, there will be other broccocare agents, who will check your card to determine whether you have reason to be entitled to organic or plain, fresh or frozen broccoli, whether you should be expected to cut the flowerettes yourself or be entitled to precut in a sealed bag. Also, we will make sure you are not overutilizing broccoli, to be determined by the broccocare utilization review committee. After determining what your entitlement for the day is, you proceed to the checkout counter with your broccocare card. After you pay your 20% copay, the store will send a report, diet plan, and all necessary documentation, by a special computer program, to the broccocare administration. If, after careful review, it is determined that all steps have been properly documented, payment will eventually be issued to the store. On the other hand, if all is not in order, then payment will be denied, and in some cases the owner of the store will be fined or sentenced to jail. You will be pleased to know that your grocer will be required to carry Malbroc coverage, so if you are not fully satisfied with the results of consuming this broccoli, you may sue the grocer. Even though you might not recover much, this will provide additional income for the one and quarter million lawyers that serve our country so well. Because this program is administered by your government, it will be very efficient. We estimate the costs of funding the broccoli, the various agents, administrators, computer databases, malbroc coverage, etc, to be about $200 per month. Don’t worry though, your broccocare card, which entitles you to affordable broccoli, will only cost you $100 a month. Your government will subsidize the other half by borrowing from China, and your children will assume the debt. In all fairness to broccoli consumers, those who refuse to eat broccoli will pay a tax of $50 a month to help subsidize your card. The additional store overhead of increased personnel, computers, operating loans while waiting for payments, and denied payments will not be covered by the broccoli administration. These costs will be born by the grocery store. As a result, instead of paying an average of $1.00 a pound, now for only $100 a month you are entitled to pay only 20%. Unfortunately, since broccoli now costs $5.00 a pound, your 20% will amount to $1.00 a pound. We will investigate the greedy farmers to see why prices have risen, and new regulations and penalties will be issued.